HRH needs plastic surgery

The Queen was in Brighton last week, she was apparently just there for a visit and a walkabout, but the truth of the matter is that she went for cosmetic surgery at the Royal Sussex County Hospital.

Resplendent in a hat that a family of four could comfortably live in, Her Majesty popped in for a half hour session at the RSCH's OAP Botox Clinic. We like our city's old people to look good, you see, so OAPs get a 70% discount on high-street Botox prices.

I was there getting my head wound seen to and saw HRH sneaking in through the back door to the Botox clinic. She even jumped the queue by flashing her OAP card, pushing in front of a saying "fuck off, Granny, I'm the Queen". I spoke to one of the nurses after my appointment. She told me that she had used up a whole month's worth of Botox and had refused to pay any money. She said that there was no point in her paying as the people of Britain would pay regardless.

I have to admit, she does look beautiful, but her attitude sucks. If anyone can behave like a complete cunt in Brighton it's me, the fact that the old witch owns the country is beside the point. And Brighton has plenty of more convincing queens.